Tonight, I was thinking about wearing a pair of jeans that I tore to stick to my character. Turns out, I won't be wearing them because my belly's way too fat to fit in them and I look like a big, fat muffin in them. When i think about what size they are, and how fat I've gotten over the years, it just makes me wanna puke. And more. I just feel the self-loathing growing inside me, and this incredible urge to hurt myself as that's the only thing I deserve.
So tonight, I'll just be wearing what I've been wearing for more than a month now: the only black pants that fit me, and some make-up, just so I can say I tried.
It's ridiculous how such a little detail can ruin my day, and make me want to stay home, all day, in the dark... But it does. It really does.
But I'll go. And I'll pretend everything's fine. And I'll have fun (because I will, I don't doubt that, I just love these people so I know I'll have fun). But all I'll be thinking about is how fat I am and how good everybody else looks...